As Spring has (sort of)  sprung, I woke up with a bout of shopping fever. Well, in all honesty, being mistaken for PREGNANT (!) would jump start anybody to buy some new flattering clothes. After a quick inventory of  my closet, I decided that I had enough of theNew York de rigour uniform of black colored clothing. I was going to buy COLOR.  I had a double mission that day, not only was I going to shop for new duds, I was going to buy cheerful-colorful-figure-flattering clothes! I was on a mission…a mission to shop….CHARGE!!!

My first stop was the GAP. Now, say what you will about the GAP, but the fact of the matter is that I LOVE their jeans. I own a fair amount of designer jeans, you know, the kind that retail for over $175 a pop. But at the end of the day, my GAP jeans are the most comfortable and fit me the best. I walked into the store and was struck by just how many styles of jeans the GAP offers. What to do? Should I go for the “Legging Jeans” or should I go for the “Real Straight”? What’s the difference between their “Perfect Boot” and their “Sexy Boot”? After popping in and out of the dressing room, asking my way too bored attendant, which style she liked better on me, I ended up with my “go-to jean” – The Always Skinny 1969 jeans in dark blue. I tried to take a walk on the wild side, but could not get my ass into them.

Invigorated after my new purchase, I continued my shopping spree and perused the boutiques along lower Fifth Ave. I popped in and out of several boutiques, stopping to try on a few things along the way.

Finally I made a pit stop at H&M. Most of the clothes on display were a little “too young” for my, ahem.. more mature age, however, out of the corner of my eye, I did notice a very familiar looking garment. Hmmm, why did this look so familiar? Any why did that look so familiar? It ends up that I was looking at the “capsule collection” that designer Alber Elbaz from Lanvin designed specifically for H&M. Pay dirt!

Now I have a unique relationship with Monsieur Elbaz. Shortly before he became the chief designer for Lanvin, he was the immediate successor to Yves Saint Laurent and was chief designer from 1998-2000. As I was sales and marketing director of  Yves Saint Laurent USA during that time, I worked side by side with Alber. The capsule collection that he designed for H&M had his signature style. In fact my “Egg Shaped Tweed YSL Coat – the one that kind of makes me look pregnant and was the catalyst of this whole shopping spree) was designed by Alber.  I could not believe my luck and soon was in a shopping FRENZY. I joyfully scooped up 3 new skirts, 2 new trousers and one top all from his collection. As much as I admired the “Egg-Shape Dress” and the “Egg Shaped blouses” he offered in the collection, I learned my lesson and steered clear of them.

I sailed downstairs to the cash register to pay for my newly acquired figure flattering purchases. Unfortunately I picked the wrong line. There were 3 busy cashier. I stood on the first line and then noticed that the one next to me was slightly shorter. So, I slid my self over and smugly waited, averting my eyes from the women on the first line. Well, it seems that the reason the second line was shorter than the others was because the cashier was in the process of doing a return. Now normally a return should not take that long, however because this was a BIG return, it needed to be authorized by a manager and that manager was MIA.

As the customers on the first line that were originally behind me were now already fully paid and out the door, I had yet to be rung up. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the manager showed up.  After re-examining each item that was to be returned, she eventually authorized the transaction. As I laid my purchases delicately on the counter, I reached my hand into my pocketbook, when I realized something was missing. I was missing my pocketbook!

Holy Sh**!!! I was in such a shopping frenzy that I inadvertently put my handbag down and left it somewhere! OMG. My iPhone, my wallet, my money, my credit cards, my work, my keys, my LIFE is in that bag!

I quickly traced my steps and dashed from the register upstairs to the dressing room. I ran to the escalator but ran to the wrong end. This escalator was going down. Flustered and panicked I ran around to the other end. This escalator was “out of service”. I quickly mounted up the immobile escalator stairs two at a time. Upon reaching the landing I headed to the sign that read “Dressing room”. However, upon approaching, I noticed that this dressing room looked slightly different that what I remembered. I immediately figured out that there were 2 dressing rooms on that floor, and that I was in the wrong one!

I ran to the other side of the store, breathless and panicked. Luck was on my side that day as my lovely but bored dressing room attendant saw me and said “I was trying to call you back but you were already gone.” I gave her a big hug and thanked her for holding my bag.

I calmly strolled back to the cashier, proudly yielding my credit card briefly explaining why I had just up and left. He smiled and added “And you were waiting for a long time too!”

My charges were complete, my clothes were packed and after gaining my composure, I started strolling out the door. That was until, the dreaded sensor alarm went off. I immediately looked around with the expression on my face that clearly read, “It’s not me!” The security guard approached me and asked to look through my bag. I acquiesced and handed over the bag. Luckily he found the culprit – a skirt that still had a sensor attached. After examining my receipt and verifying that I was not indeed a thief, he instructed me to go back to the register to have it removed.

“It’s me again” I cheerfully announced to the cashier, wielding my senso-ed skirt and receipt. “Oops sorry about that”, apologized the cashier. To which I just winked at him and said “No problem.”

Finally I came home and inspected my newly acquired purchases. After carefully laying them on my bed, I noticed that they all had something in common….they were ALL BLACK. There was nary a color among them, unless you count dark navy denim as a “color”. Oh well, you can take the girl out of the city….

At least I wont be mistaken for pregnant again!

Chow for now!